Comfort Yourselves Together

 This phase of life isn’t what I necessarily expected. I suppose that’s because it’s new. And sometimes lonely. In a new way. 

When my kids were little I could share their antics and the frustrations of raising a toddler with others. Somehow seeing that other moms were cleaning up spilled cereal and potty training accidents in a stage of perpetual delirium made it seem bearable and the norm. Something along the lines of shared misery and joys making me feel like part of the club.

Then as they grew up and hit those beloved all teeth and feet elementary years it was sometimes nothing more than a look of sympathy and connection from parents at the pickup line as I shouted for one of them to come back for a lunch bag....and then their backpack...again. Or shared laughs and sighs of frustration  as I found 3 other parents at Walmart at 10:45 pm purchasing styrofoam balls for atom projects due the next day. Apparently my child wasn’t the only one who had some time management and communication issues to work on.

The bleachers were another source of solidarity and where many of my dearest friendships were forged as we listened and encouraged one another in our continued parenting efforts and swapped 3 minute recipes that could be eaten between music practice and the ball field. Our teens needed the space to succeed and to fail and overcome and sometimes it was so hard when we couldn’t mend their broken hearts. Those moms next to me will never know how much those hugs and cheers and shared popcorn will mean.

But now I’m entering a new phase. Adult kids. And the landscape has suddenly changed. I’ve pondered long and hard about what makes this feel so different- so disconnected and I look at my adult children and realize that most of my hands-on job is done. For better or worse. Of course I continue to pray and advise and watch with wonder the people they have become. And I constantly battle to maintain the energy to finish the job strong with number 3 and 4 who bring their own twists to that finishing phase.

My social world may no longer be driven by my children and their activities. And as I look at them, the questions are changing, my paradigm shifts and it’s no longer my kids who I am building and molding. It’s myself. 

I find myself with two other moms after our children’s concert and recognize something familiar in their semi-vacant stares - and three hours later when we are asked to leave Taco Bell at closing we depart with hugs and a few tears. Nothing has been solved. Nothing has been figured out. More stories from long ago are coming up. We don’t have to worry about being home on time. Have I done enough? What do I do now that I have so much time to work on me? And what about the parts of me I don’t like? But the burden of our doubts and fears are now being held up by more hands. And seeing compassion and acceptance reflected in their eyes even when they KNOW where I have failed is healing. One dear friend summed it up as simply saying “That was church”.

The words of another go through my mind. “Just because someone appears to have it all together doesn’t mean she couldn’t use an arm around her shoulder.” Long distance texts, Marco Polos, phone calls, encouraging words, notes, listening, social media- there are so many ways we can continue to connect.  But it does take a new risk- I’m inviting others into my circle just because I’m there. Me. With no kids attached. This is a new part of life for me. I am challenging myself to be more aware of those around me facing doubts and fears and masking their own struggles and questions. I am trying new things to see how people shine in their own spheres of influence.

And at 3 am after reconnecting with a cherished friend who was there at an earlier time in my life I realize that our kids may have been commonalities but it was really us all along. Some relationships were more surface and they served their purpose and I’m grateful for them. 

But a few will be deep and lasting.  Like these water lilies we may appear to be independently floating in the waters of life but those roots we sent down are still there connecting us. Now I know that we continue to have many of the same doubts and fears. Somehow we thought this part of life is when “it” would all come together. You know- the parenting, and finances, and health and marriages and careers- this was the time when “it” would all align. Perhaps that day will never come...but today when I looked in the mirror I was able to see a bit more of the love and acceptance from my friends in my reflection and that is enough. I think that’s how God intends it.

As is taught in 1 Thessalonians 5:11, "Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another, even as also ye do."