Defense Against Mistakes

 

"It is easier to feel worthless than it is to feel responsible."  This powerful quote from Dr. Becky Bailey stopped me in my tracks.  

I was in a seminar and the topic for that week was using mistakes as opportunities to grow.  But the crux of the entire lecture concluded with her saying that without accepting this piece of truth, we wouldn't be able to embrace the opportunities and would find ourselves making the same mistakes again and again.

She identified four common ways we put up defenses (And reminded us not to get defensive about our defenses) that prevent us from learning from our mistakes and being better able to handle things the next time. That happens when we transfer the energy that could go into learning and changing into something else less productive. 

I'm pretty proficient in all four😬.

The first is apathy.  Saying you don't care and simply disconnecting yourself from the consequences or lost potential of the mistakes made.  It takes emotional and often physical work to engage and work on fixing our mistakes. 

The second is perfectionism.  It's actually easier to just berate ourselves over impossible standards we will never achieve than to set realistic goals that require hard work to achieve. 

Third is blaming others.  Blame your kids, your spouse, your congregation, your coworkers, your neighbors, the other political party, anyone but yourself.  Because if it's not your fault you don't have to do anything to fix it. 

Fourth is rationalization.  We transfer our energy into making excuses for why something has happened (this is different than genuine analysis to learn) instead of into how we will make sure it doesn't happen again.

I got to put this into practice this week.  I created a really bad situation at work.  Where multiple mistakes came together at the same time like a perfect storm.  

I had already had some parenting failures this week and wasn't running on my A game (rationalization).  Then there were all kinds of problems with the ILEARN test I was giving  and that led to some frantic shuffles, technology fixes, and so in desperation I just didn't show up for an assignment I had been given (apathy).  

Because that's how the planets were aligning the state licensing agency showed up to check some paperwork that I'm responsible for on day 1 of our 90 day window during the same one hour block.  I had everything completed but not printed out and in the binder and that was ridiculous of them to email that our 90 day window was opening and come the very next day (blaming).  

So at this point since I couldn't do anything right anyway I went to my next meeting fighting tears and without that assignment because I hadn't been able to come up with the "perfect" idea (perfectionism).

I was frustrated and really feeling sorry for myself and thinking life was pretty unfair. But I thought of this lesson.  And I thought how it aligned with what scripture teaches us.  And I decided to force myself into completely owning it.  

I told the state people that I didn't have the work done and accepted the deficits for our program.  I talked to my boss and admitted where I had gone wrong, what I would do to fix it and thanked her for her grace.  

It wasn't fun.  At all.  

And then I went home and cried for a bit and regrouped.  But here is the thing.  I was embarrassed, but I wasn't ashamed.  And I think it's because I didn't try to shift it from me.    I didn't try to make it something it wasn't.  

I thought about where things went wrong and how I want it to be different.  I accepted full responsibility.  And I worked incredibly hard today during every break, lunch,  before and after school.  I made phone calls and sent emails and got all of the paperwork faxed in.  I will still have some work to do over the weekend but it felt GOOD to cross off each step towards a goal and back into good standing.  

That's when it hit me that this is Gospel truth.  It takes work to change and repent.  It is easier at the moment to hold onto feeling worthless than to take the steps toward Jesus Christ who is waiting with grace that is unimaginable.  But owning what we have done wrong is an important part of repentance. 

Elaine A Cannon instructed, "Spiritual maturity is understanding that we cannot blame anybody else for our actions. Some factors may make it harder for us to perform according to God’s plan for us, but being accountable for how we use our agency means being answerable for our own behavior.  It is one of the things that I admire most about mother Eve—her absolute strength in personal accountability. When she was called on the proverbial carpet by God, she explained that Lucifer had tempted her with the fruit. But then she admitted, “And I did eat.”

And only when we do that can we become stronger and better as He helps us truly turn our mistakes into learning experiences.   And oh what joy is waiting as with each step back we return to good standing.