In Defense of the Tortoise

 Today I really needed to reread this post I wrote a year ago.  It is time for me to do some more encouraging and I invite you to join me:

"Just try harder." 

"Maybe if you weren't so out of shape."  

"Quit making excuses." 

"You...are a failure." 

"Well look at that.  You didn't make your goal again.  Surprise.  Surprise." 

 "Just add her name to the list of people you have let down."  

  I am embarrassed to say that those are words that I used to fairly regularly use with myself.  I knew I needed to nix the negative self-berating but every time I tried, it became one more thing to berate myself about. 

"See!  And you can't even control your tongue with yourself!"  

Then I learned a gentle but magical truth a few summers ago.  I was at a conference and the presenter invited me to lunch.  Me!  As we sat and talked she asked me about some professional and personal things I was working on and over our Subway sandwiches she uttered these life changing words.  "Try encouraging yourself.  Because the words you tell yourself are the ones that come out in stress to others."  For once I didn't try STOPPING my thoughts.  I just started encouraging myself in small ways. 

"You can do it."  

"That was definitely not fun.  But you handled it."  

"No one who knows your heart would say that about you.  Let it go."  

"Thank goodness for tomorrow."  

And it got better.  A lot better.  And I realized I really like who I am.  And I became more gentle with others.  Everyone needs to practice the art of self-encouragement.  It is a beautiful thing that restores hearts and helps rebuild connections.  But I still go through cycles where I find myself back in the throws of self-deprecation. 

Last week was one of those times.  I was bound and determined to build in more exercise even though my husband kept cautioning me that exercise seems to kick off Lupus flares.  Well exercise is also the key to stress relief, strengthening my immune system and to be totally honest proving I can take control over my own body and make good choices for my health.  I set a goal to go one half-mile further each day on my bike.  With the pandemic I certainly have time and I have easy access to a great trail.  So I started riding.  Only it hurt.  It hurt bad.  

"Just push through it." 

 "Toughen up."  

"What a wimp."  

So I pushed harder.  I was taking epsom salt baths and collapsing on the couch for hours afterward, praying that my kidneys would kick back into action in a day or two.  Sometimes I was hobbling along pushing my bike, but I was making it.  Except I wasn't.  I had some good days and I would appreciate the beauty of the ride no matter what and try to stay distracted, but I was failing.  I just couldn't do it. 

"Focus on the good but push harder.  Go faster.  Don't quit."  

I am not kidding when I tell you I got passed by a jogger pushing his two kids in a stroller and I was on my bike.  I'm that kind of slow. 

"You have to toughen up."  

"It will get better".  

But it didn't.  Finally one day as I limped up the driveway and disgustedly parked my bike, I looked at George and said, "I am telling you it feels like acid is coursing through my body and eating at my muscles."  It turns out lactic acidosis is a thing.  And when left unchecked can exacerbate kidney and liver issues - both of which I already work to manage.  So with my do-more-figure-it-out attitude I set out to research what my diet was missing, what stretches could help and what more I could do to wipe this out.  But you know what the experts said?  I needed to go slower so that my body could keep up with the processing.  Seriously?  I scowled and told George I didn't want to be the tortoise.  I like the rabbit.  He just shook his head and smiled.  "You do know the tortoise wins, right?"  No medicine, no magic.  I needed to listen to my body and when my muscles started feeling like it was too much I needed to shift down and go slower.  So I tried it.  Oh my word.  I rode for 90 minutes pain free the first day and every ride since. 

I rode for 70 minutes pain free this morning. Every time I tried to push it a little harder I had to back off a bit.  So I only made it 8 miles today.  Which is totally okay.  There will be other days that I go further and there will be days I may only make it to the end of the driveway.  I will know that I am taking care of me along the way.  I am worth that. 

"That's enough for now."  

"Let's take it easy here."  

"Nice job.  You saw it coming and maintained."  

"Way to take care of you."  

Since my bike rides are also my talk with God times, I was contemplating how many of my friends, like me,  get down on themselves and continue to take on more.  That can be physically, with time, trying to improve spiritually, socially, professionally, really anywhere.  I am the master of making master improvement plans for myself and setting goals that yes I could reach if everything aligns perfectly.  If all of my days are perfectly healthy, and work, technology and all the people in my life are also on their A game then they are definitely possible.  Too often they leave my mind or heart screaming "Slow down.  This is too much to process at once." 

And that is the moment when I have a choice.  I can choose to continue to be cruel and tear myself down.  Or I can choose to encourage myself and show some love.  

The beauty is you will find you will be quitting less often.  

"Those dishes are all piled up.  Looks like you made one fine meal!"

"That was definitely not the right thing to say.  But you apologized and took responsibility.  Way to go."

"Look at you.  You knew you were overwhelmed and ordered chips and salsa from Hacienda instead of trying to bake tonight.  Great choice! (And did you see how nice that salty balanced the sweets at the party?!)"

"Wow.  You were really feeling anxious going in there.  But you took the risk of smiling and reaching out.  And did you see the look in Lucy's eyes?  She really needed that."

"You lost your temper and then apologized.  What a good mom." 

Use some humor when you need to.

"13 people passed me today.  That is 13 people I was able to cheer on!"

"That was FAB-U-LOUS" (Channel your inner Sharpay)

"Oh don't you think you are looking all fine in this new blouse and earrings. Check out that smile"

There will still be hills where you don't have a choice.  You have to push through.  Dialing it back isn't a choice.  Those are the times were the stop at the top is completely justified.  Take in the view.  Let those muscles recover and remind yourself of the amazing journey you just made.  

"You did it!" 

"That was exhausting but you are still standing."

"You are freaking amazing!"

 I watched my daughter go through one of those recently.  She pushed bravely and hard all the way to the top. She had to make that trip herself, but we could cheer her on.  She has come through it with a steadfast love for herself that I hope she never loses.  I think that is how God feels about us too.  

In fact His word says "Proverbs 15:1 cautions "A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger."  This is true about making us angry with ourselves as well as others. 

And when we are kind enough to dial it back and take things at a doable speed, we can lay down at night saying to ourselves, "Thanks for thinking of me today.  I can't wait to see what we do tomorrow."