Sibling Love

 

A couple weeks ago a friend asked me what I did that made it so my kids get along.

And part of me wanted to laugh out loud.  Because there are so many moments where that wasn't the case.

And so many moments when I lost my cool and launched into lecture and yell mode. Or threw things.  Or made utterly ridiculous threats. 

Even as toddlers they sometimes were battling.  One would even tell another to bite them and then tell on them.

I remember the time two of my kids were in a physical brawl and after unclenching their fists and threatening to declaw one of them , they were sent to opposite corners.  I gave them each a notebook and pencil and told them I didn't want to hear another word out of them but to write down what happened. 

One wrote a detailed three page entry of past grievances and how they should be completely absolved.

The other wrote "__________ disrespected me so I beat the crap out of her."

Then there was the phone vs the dog poop incident.

There was the time one child accused the others of "emotionally pushing them off the couch".

Endless series of accusations over who is the favorite and who has it the most unfair.  

And one who would scream "you stupid fatty!" anytime someone did something they didn't like.  

So yeah, we are real here.  

There were days when I knew I loved them all but I really didn't like them or myself - and WHERE WAS THEIR DAD??!!!

There were also times where they said or did mean things that hurt the others and it made me cry.  

But intermixed there were also times where they helped, forgave, and loved. 

And over and over again I came back to the idea that if kids were perfect they wouldn't need parents. 

And that it was my job to TEACH them to love one another and not just to tell them or demand it.

So a few of the things I did that have made a great difference were:

Teach them to serve one another.  This meant celebrating and doing good things not just for others outside our family but also inside.

It meant asking the kids what we could do to decrease contention.  Letting them be active parties in the problem solving and then being patient as we put things into place.

And it meant making sure I showed love to all of the kids even when they weren't super lovable and reflecting the love of the Savior.  This includes lots of me saying I'm sorry and that I wish I had handled things differently and trying again.  And that the reason you can't hit your sibling is because I love each of you.  

But mostly it meant not quitting even when we were failing wildly and trusting God to fill in the cracks (and gaping holes) over time.  

And somehow we have these four amazing people who do treat each other with love and respect.  Not perfectly but more and more consistently over time.  

As Spencer W Kimball so wisely said, "The Lord knows what He is doing, and all His moves are appropriate and right."

Mine- not so much- but the more I align them with His teachings the better things go.