Peace

 Sometimes we get news we don't love.

I have had multiple surgeries on both knees over the years.

This time, I wasn't even sure what I had done to injure it.

I just knew it was swollen and hurting after a bike ride.

I could call it mountain biking because I was on a bike and it was in the moutains.

But it could also be called coasting downhill the whole way.

At slow and leisurely speeds.

No matter what I call it, I have now had a cortisone injection, anti-inflammatories, exercises, rest, ice, time on crutches and it still was causing me problems.

Yesterday the orthopedist showed me on the xrays that what's left of my miniscus is full of calification and that multiple places its just good old fashioned arthritis - bone on bone causing the pain.

And of course lupus likes to find the weak link to attack so my knee it is!

I was really hoping for a quick surgical fix like I have had in the past.

He said that won't be happening this time. There is just too much damage in there. He said I am in the no-man's land of needing to push through and let it get worse until I qualify for a knee replacement.

Grrhh.

I was mad.

I was sad.

I was frustrated.

And I gave myself a day to sit and sulk.

And cry a little.

And look at pictures from when I could run and jump and do things I wish I still could.

And then today I gave it to God and got up earlier and read my scriptures and did the leg exercises I still can and took the cocktail of meds that keeps the neuropathy at bay and the pain under control.

I said my prayers and included things I was thankful for. Like family and friends who love me no matter what.

And I put on my new and now temporarily permanent (is that a thing?) knee brace and came to work.

I ate some healthy anti-inflammatory meals and drank my water, willing it to seep into that joint and lubricate it.

And I felt the peace of acceptance and contentment.

Peace that doesn't even necessarily make sense, but that is real just the same.